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Eph 5 – The Link Between Marriage, Christ and Church (pt1 of 3)

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Last week, we talked about how marriage is a vehicle of our sanctification. This week, I want to talk about an aspect of sanctification. We are sanctified as we are completed, completed in marriage, completed in church and ultimately completed in Jesus.

Eph 5
31 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. 32 This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband.

I am covering only 3 verses this afternoon. Let’s work in reverse. Verse 33 – I just want to point out the phrase, “each one of you.” In his summary statement, who is Paul addressing first and foremost? He is calling out the husbands. He could have phrased it, husbands, love your wives and wives respect your husbands. But he doesn’t. He puts special emphasis on the husbands. Each one of you. If the marriage doesn’t go right, it’s often the husband’s fault for not loving rather than a lack of respect issue on the part of wives. If husbands loved in the way that Christ loved the church, wives wouldn’t struggle so much respecting their husbands. What woman would not respect a husband who led and loved like Christ? Men, God is going to hold you responsible if the marriage suffers.

Verse 22 – the mystery of marriage is the fact that in this section which is all about marriage, marriage is not the main point. Having a good marriage is not the main takeaway from this chapter. The point is Christ and the church. The secret that unlocks this mystery is gospel re-enactment. We covered this already. The gospel is embedded in marriage and the gospel is embedded in Christ’s interaction with the church. Husbands are to lay down their lives for the church and wives are to submit and this pattern exactly mirrors Christ, who laid down his life to birth the church and the church submits to the headship and leadership of Christ.

Verse 31 has 4 important parts.

31 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.

The 4 parts are: 1) For this reason, 2) leave, 3) be joined, 4) one flesh. Let’s look at part 1.

“For this reason…”

Phrases like this are important. There is a reason or basis for marriage and completion in marriage and one flesh union in marriage. What is the reason? This is just simple reading comprehension. To get at the answer, we have to read the previous verses.

29 For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, 30 since we are members of His body.

I think we can see 2 things in these verses. First, the reason for marriage is to teach husbands and wives, and in this case, specifically the husband, to provide and care for his wife. In other words, husbands, don’t be selfish. Life was not meant to be lived for the self. This goes for both men and women. Life is more than providing for your own needs and taking care of yourself and using the other person to get what you want. Instead, live for others, starting with your spouse if you are married. Many people think they are loving. The Bible doesn’t allow us to make broad generalizations like, I love humanity. I love the world. Really? The Bible is much more concrete. Start with loving one person. Can you love one person, just one person, with the same level of care and concern that you have for yourself?

Second, we see how marriage is a reflection of Christ and the church. Christ did not live for himself. Christ provided and cared for the church. He laid down his life for the church. He continues to this day to pour out his love to the church and He has sent the Holy Spirit and given spiritual gifts to help edify His church. Christ is inseparable from the church. Christ and the church are one. He is the Head of the church. He is not a decapitated Head floating around the heavenly realms. He is connected to, inseparable from His body. And we are the body of Christ. May we never be a headless body where we only relate to one another and we lose sight of who the Head is.

The only reason we are together is because we are IN CHRIST. We are one body AND we are one with Christ, who is the Head. Christian brothers and sisters are to provide and care for one another in the same way that husbands are to provide and care for their wives. Remember, the two mirror one another. Marriage is a pointer to the mystery of Christ and the church. It says we are members of Christ’s body. Your arm is not a severed limb. It is connected to the rest of the body. You wouldn’t refer to your pinky toe and say, man, I got a mighty fine body. Arm, pinky toe, torso, legs–it’s all one body. Even a paper cut on your index finger causes you pain. Whether you stub your toe or jam a finger or get your wind knocked out, to you, pain is pain. Because you have one body and the parts are interconnected. One part suffers, the whole body suffers. Members of Christ’s church are as inseparable and interconnected as body parts are to a person’s body.

Marriage mirrors Christ and the church. Does this mean that singles are in a worse off position than married couples? This is review, but I want to make sure you understand this point. There is no marriage in the new heaven and new earth. Apostle Paul was single and obviously none of us would consider him to be inferior because of his single status. Marriage is only a pointer to Christ and the church. Therefore, having a happy marriage or an incredibly intimate marriage where there is deep soul level oneness cannot be the end goal. The end goal is for you and I, for every believer, whether single or married, to be the radiant, spotless bride of Christ.

Couples who get engaged prepare for months and even years for their wedding day. For the believer, this life–40, 60, 80 years–is all preparation. It’s a shadow of things to come. We are preparing ourselves for that day when we will be invited to the Marriage Supper of the Lamb and we get to participate in the cosmic wedding with our ultimate Bridegroom, Jesus Christ. We will be united to and experience deep oneness with Christ. A deep unity with Christ that we only have faint glimpses of here on earth. We get faint glimpses of our future marriage with Christ here and now in physical marriage. We get faint glimpses of it in churches. But we mustn’t forget–the best is yet to come. God has to use many tools in his toolbox to teach us the deep things of God. Marriage is one tool and church is another. Both are vehicles to sanctify us and to help us understand the mystery of Christ and the church.

To say that marriage is more important than church is to misunderstand this spiritual principle. It would be like saying the sign on the freeway that says, “Los Angeles – 50 miles,” is more important than the city that the sign points to. No, the City of Angels is infinitely more important than a metal sign. Or, it’s like saying that our reflection in the mirror is more important than our actual bodies. I don’t know about you, I kind of like my reflection, I would like it more if I lost 10 lbs, but I like me infinitely more than my reflection.

Physical marriage points to Christ and the church, both here in our physical local churches, as well as the future, fully sanctified church that is part of the new heaven and the new earth. In the same way, our physical, local churches are pointers to the future, fully sanctified church that is part of the new heaven and the new earth. Marriage vs. local church–I wouldn’t say that one has priority over the other. They are on equal footing, they are on the same level because they mirror one another and BOTH act as pointers to the future, cosmic union between Christ and His universal church.

When marriage is functioning according to God’s design, marriage helps selfish sinners concretely by giving them an opportunity to deny themselves in order to serve their spouses. Churches that are functioning according to God’s design, likewise, help selfish sinners concretely by giving them an opportunity to deny themselves in order to serve other believers.

The practical application is simple. For singles, get involved in the lives of brothers and sisters around you. Start here. The person next to you. Once a week on a Sunday afternoon doesn’t cut it. Imagine if husbands and wives lived in separate rooms and had entirely separate schedules and only saw each other once a week. We would say, that marriage is dysfunctional. Because they are supposed to be one.

Likewise, the church. As members of Christ’s body, we are supposed to be one. Unity in marriage and unity at church doesn’t come automatically. It takes work. Invest in others. Spend time with brothers and sisters in Christ whom God has placed around you. Provide for their needs. Care for them concretely the same way that you provide and care for your own needs.

Married couples: your challenge is more complicated because you have the same 24 hours in a day that singles have. You have your spouse to invest in AND you have brothers and sisters at this church to invest in. And if you have kids, well, life becomes a juggling act. Life gets incredibly complicated because your spouse, kids, church members are all vying for your attention.

My advice to married couples is simple–be consistent. If you are active and intentional about investing in relationships at church but neglect your spouse, then perhaps you have made church or ministry an idol. If you are active and intentional in your marriage but you neglect your church relationships, then perhaps you have made marriage your idol. If you are active and intentional with your kids, but you neglect your spouse and you don’t prioritize church, then perhaps you have made your kids an idol.

As a pastor, if I am only godly while I am at church, but I live like an atheist outside the church, then you would have good reason to question my authenticity. If I’m good at pointing people here to Jesus, but I go home and I just play video games all day and I never talk about Jesus with my wife and kids even though I spend a good chunk of the week with them, then you would conclude that I am a phony. I would be like a corrupt police officer who abides by the laws and catches criminals while I have the uniform on, but after I take off the uniform, I’m dealing drugs on the street corner. You would say, I’m a crook, I’m a hypocrite, I’m just playing the part of a good guy when I have on the uniform, or I’m behind the pulpit, but it’s all an act.

It’s easy to act a certain way when people are watching, or when the spotlights are on. Anyone can act saintly for a couple of hours on a Sunday. It’s another thing altogether to be consistent Monday through Saturday. We have to live before God and not before men. Who you are in the privacy of your home when no one from church is around is the real you. A father who serves his spouse and trains his kids in the ways of the Lord when no one at the church is around to notice is the real deal because he is living before the Lord. A father who serves as a deacon and who meets with younger brothers of the church to disciple them but who doesn’t disciple his own children and neglects his wife lacks the consistency of someone who lives before the Lord. Or, he has turned church or ministry into an idol. Be consistent because wherever you are, God is there.

Eph 5 – Marriage is a Vehicle of Our Sanctification (pt2 of 3)

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Christians, by definition, start with the Spirit when they are saved because there is no salvation apart from being born of the Spirit. But many Christians make the mistake of beginning with the Spirit, then abandoning the Spirit and essentially relying on themselves for the remainder of their spiritual journey. They get busy at church, they sacrifice, they serve, they can even go on missions, but it’s quite possible to do all of these good things without depending on and being filled by the Holy Spirit.

How can we tell whether someone is serving out of their flesh or serving out of the Spirit? You can tell by their character and how they treat others. It doesn’t matter how many people I lead to Christ, or how many churches I plant, or how many mission fields I visit, if I have a nasty temper and I am proud and I tear others down with my words, these are signs that I am serving out of my flesh. Some pastors and ministers do not resemble Christ at all. They do not possess even an ounce of humility. They treat others harshly and enslave the members under a heavy load of legalism and ministry. The sheep stumble under such leaders and they leave the church damaged to the point that they never want to step foot into another church again. These are signs that Christian ministers lack the Holy Spirit.

If I were serving out of the Spirit, then my life would be characterized by humility, a selfless love, a love with no strings attached, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, self-control, the fruit of the Spirit. Now, I am recapping the sermons from Galatians. I hope you are beginning to see links between the various books of the Bible. We need the Holy Spirit. If the Holy Spirit is working in you continuously, then you will bear its fruit and you will relate with others in a way that is consistent with the Spirit.

Jesus was full of the Spirit. Before Jesus began his earthly ministry, the Holy Spirit descended upon him like a dove. Jesus is the embodiment of the fruit of the Spirit because the Spirit had filled his life to overflowing. So when we say, sanctification is the process whereby we are conformed to the image of Christ AND we talk about the need to be filled with the Spirit, we are saying basically the same thing. Sanctification equals becoming the radiant bride, which equals becoming increasingly like Christ, which equals being filled with the Spirit. How on earth can you and I become Christ-like without being Spirit-filled continuously?

I bet many of us here want to be become a radiant bride who reflects Christ-likeness and is Spirit-filled. Who wouldn’t? Now the questions remains, how do you and I get there? In other words, how does sanctification work? God has several tools in his toolbox to sanctify us. One tool is called suffering. There are many things in spiritual life that simply won’t make sense to us until we have suffered. You can enter into a special level of fellowship with Christ through suffering because Christ himself suffered. And when we share in Christ’s sufferings, God can refine our faith in ways that are simply not possible while we are comfortable.

Another tool that God uses to sanctify us is church. You might argue, there is no Hill Community or Redeemer or Bethlehem Baptist Church in heaven so what’s the point of joining a specific church here on earth. Hey, I am part of the universal church. I don’t believe in the institution of the local churches because there is no perfect church. As a pastor, I will be the first to admit that there is no perfect church. I am an imperfect person. This church is filled with imperfect people.

Why do you need to commit to and join a local church when there is no perfect church? Simple. Because you are not perfect either. Many Christians who know very well that they themselves are far from perfect demand perfection in churches. Kind of a double standard, don’t you think? When Christians with this mindset encounter a problem at a church or a conflict with a brother or sister in Christ or a disagreement over doctrine, what do most people do? They jump ship. They church hop. Or they stop going to church altogether.

What happens to the person who keeps church hopping or they stay at home because no church is good enough for them? Answer: they don’t change. They remain as they are because they are not submitting to one of the primary tools that God uses to sanctify his people. We were saved and brought together into the body of Christ so that we can learn how to love and carry burdens and ask for forgiveness.

Show of hands–is there anyone here who is an only child? Using this logic, I’m sorry but you are probably less sanctified than the rest of us. Just kidding. In my family, when I have one on one time with my kids, it is amazing how well-behaved they are. They listen. They don’t fight because there is no one to fight with. They are angels. They are calm. I can actually go to a cafe when it’s just one on one and can get some reading in. When all 3 kids are together, however, something changes. There is screaming and kicking and fighting. Right boys? I don’t mean to pick on them. We are all like that. We are all saints when we are by ourselves and sipping our coffee with our bibles open and soft music playing in the background and the waves from Ventura beach are splashing onto our toes. But when you are around people, you have to deal with your pride, your ego, your irritations, your judgmental attitude. That’s why the local church is such a necessary and effective tool in our sanctification.

And so is marriage. Marriage is a very effective tool in our sanctification.

Listen to verse 25-27 again.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. 27 He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless.

Notice how Paul starts by talking about marriage and in mid-sentence he switches to Christ and the church. The sanctification that occurs in marriage and the sanctification that occurs in church are like mirror images of one another. Marriage and church mirror one another in terms of their interactions and in terms of their goal. Husbands and wives interact with each other in a particular way and this mirrors the church and how brothers and sisters interact with each other and how all believers interact with Christ. Christ is the Head and we as believers submit to him and Christians, we submit before one another. Sound familiar? Also, in marriage and in church, the goal is the same–sanctification. We are sanctified through marriage and we are sanctified through church.

You can’t miss this next point. When I first learned this, I was blown away. The reason why marriage and the church are so closely linked is because the gospel is embedded in both. In a church setting, the gospel is obvious. Jesus submitted himself under the will of God the Father. Even right before going to the cross, at the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus anguished in prayer, but he ended his prayer in submission–not my will, but your will be done. And from that moment, Jesus resolved to go to Calvary and die on a cross. He submitted to the will of the Father. You could say he modeled perfectly what godly femininity looks like by submitting to his equal. On the flip side, he displayed perfectly what godly masculinity looks like. He didn’t lead the church like a tyrant. Instead, he came to serve not to be served. He laid down his life in sacrificial service.

Likewise, how is the gospel embedded in marriage? Husbands, lead and love your wives by laying down your lives. Wives, submit to your husbands and respect them and support their leadership. Jesus fulfilled both roles of laying down his life and submitting to the Father in a singular gospel act. But in marriage, the roles are separated. Husbands and wives are each fulfilling their complementary roles and playing the role of Jesus to their spouses. Equally important but different roles. One sides loves primarily while the other respects primarily and both are roles Jesus himself played. The result? By serving one another in our distinct roles, we accomplish a common goal–we are sanctified into the spotless bride of Christ.

C.S. Lewis describes marriage as two friends standing shoulder to shoulder and staring at a common horizon. The common horizon is the future glory self when we are fully mature in Christ. People enter marriage knowing that they are not what they ought to be, but with God’s help and by putting on a ministry mindset, husbands and wives can help each other take one step closer to their future glory self. This is the profound mystery Paul alludes to in v32. The gospel is re-enacted in marriages that follow God’s design.

What is the chief obstacle in our sanctification? What is the chief problem in marriages? What tears churches apart? One word. Self. Selfishness is the essence of sin. Why do more than 1 in 2 marriages fall apart? Selfishness destroys marriages. Any Christian would agree with the statement–I am selfish. No argument there, but I don’t think we know to what extent this statement is true of us until we are married.

Your parents tried to tell you growing up that you were selfish, but you didn’t listen. As teenagers, you closed your ears and you shut your room doors and turned on the music so that you didn’t have to listen to what your parents had to say. Or, you excused yourself, they are no better. Or, my parents don’t understand me. Ever heard that one? Or your siblings tried to tell you, but you reasoned, what do they know? They are younger than me or they are worse than me so I don’t have to listen. And if it got really bad, you could just tell yourself, well, when I am 18, I’m outta here so what my family has to say about me will soon be irrelevant. So you don’t change. Your friends and roommates tried to tell you that you are selfish, but you didn’t listen. If things got bad and you couldn’t stand the person anymore, you could just move out. Find a new friend or a new roommate. Our selfishness derails God’s plan of sanctification in our lives.

In college, I lived with 23 other brothers from church. It was like a Christian frat house. I was one of the older brothers so I was the one of several managers of the house. I think Matthew was living there although I don’t remember seeing him much. In a house of 23 immature college guys, you need rules and you need to rule with an iron fist in order to keep order. I don’t think we expected too much. We had simple rules that any decent human being could follow. We were not seeking any high virtues like suffering for the sake of others. The standard was very low–just live in a way that shows that you are slightly more advanced than the rest of the animal kingdom.

Rule #1: clean up after yourself. Rule #1A: cleaning up after yourself means if you make dishes, clean your dishes. College students need everything spelled out with main points and subpoints. You would think, a group of Christian college brothers could follow Rule #1 and #1A. But no, someone or some ones didn’t follow these simple rules. Without fail, there would always be dishes in the sink. Back then, we didn’t have all of the modern technology. I couldn’t set up a hidden camera because it was the mid-nineties and those devices were not readily accessible. Maybe Brother Matthew was the culprit. Only God knows.

Rule #2: Take your shoes up to your room. We had many guests coming by to the house and you can imagine, if each person left 1-2 pairs of shoes multiplied by 23 and then you add in another 5-10 pairs of shoes from the guests, soon enough, you had a sea of hundreds of shoes blocking the entrance. Like a good, humble older brother, I gave warnings on a whiteboard near the front door. Please take up your shoes. Next day, same number of shoes. I would write in bold and underline, PLEASE take up your shoes. Third day, same situation. By this point, I was writing threats. If you don’t take up your shoes, I will throw them away and they will burn in hell forever. I guess the brothers thought I was bluffing so on the 4th or 5th day, I dumped all the shoes in a trash bag and I threw them away. No, actually, I am a nice guy so I dumped all the shoes in a trash bag and I hid the trash bag. Finally, I had gotten their attention and I had to sit the house down and lecture them about their selfishness.

What if someone in the house didn’t like being lectured and he wanted to throw his shoes wherever he wanted like an animal, then it was his prerogative to move out. He was not bound by law to stay. He could leave and keep his selfishness intact and undisturbed.

Is it Possible to Have a Facebook Faith? (pt4 of 4)

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I am going to be ordained soon because I believe in the local church. Because the local church is God’s design to the save the world. I am sure of it. He left this worldwide evangelism mission in the hands of a small group of believers and they started to gather into various churches throughout Jerusalem and spread out from there.

You may ask, why do I have to commit to a local church? I am part of God’s universal church. Isn’t that good enough? [Read more…] about Is it Possible to Have a Facebook Faith? (pt4 of 4)